Selfless Selfishness
by Wihtiko
Summary: One-shot. Light's POV. Slight AU. Written purely out of boredom and for lack of inspiration, so don't have high expectations.


_A/N: I took down my horrible Death Note fanfic because it was awful and Mary-Sueish, and I'm sticking to one shots now, until I can write better at least. This is from Light's POV, slight AU (or major AU, depending on your point of view). It;s also really short, so you don't have to bear too much of my crappy writing. If you feel like it I'd be happy for you to message me, or review or whatever, because I do need to know how to improve my writing. I like getting PM's, by the way. I won't bite your head off if you flame, because I know I suck. One last thing before I end this overly long Author's Note; a serious angst warning. I felt like writing something extremely depressing. So I did, as you can see. Rated Teen+ for it, hate it, whichever you feel like (probably the latter). _

_*Akai-M*_

**Selfless Selfishness**

Winning isn't all it's cut out to be. Neither is kindness. That's humanity for you. All you try to do is make everyone happier, and they despise you for it. Can't they see how much I've sacrificed? Can't they tell that I'm suffering for them? I hate them, I hate their cruelty, I hate their selfishness, and how they are never willing to give anything up unless they are gaining something in return. And yet, I love them. Their capability of doing something wonderful, something beautiful, usually expressed through random acts of kindness or selfless actions.

I just wanted to be that. Not to be feared, not to be adored, but to be respected, to be a role model. I thought that if they loved me I could love myself, but it's all twisted, all gone wrong. I tried to be God, and ended up as a dictator. And now there's no way back, and no way to apologize and fix everything I've done.

If I stop now it will be so much worse. I killed all the other leaders, destroyed all the competition, but now I realize that means there is no one to take the throne, no one who can clean up the mess I've made of the world. There was one, only one, who could have done that. And if he had listened, if he had only seen through my eyes, we would have been wonderful. I can picture what he'd say, seeing me now, seeing me broken. "I was right, wasn't I, Light-kun? We were friends, and you destroyed that. You lost to me, in the end. All you've created is sadness."

And he would be right. There's no utopia, no perfect world. All that's there is a bleak metropolis, with empty shells of people who are too afraid to live. No one loves anymore, because without love there's no temptation to hurt, no reason to protect and no crimes. So they survive, living alone and destroyed, with this deep crushing sadness. And I bear the responsibility, and they still worship me, saying they love me and I have saved them, when I can read into their eyes and see their hopelessness. No hatred, they don't hate me, they gave up on that a long time ago. Now the human mind is a desolate place and they do not allow themselves to have emotion to prevent being driven to evil.

I failed to calculate that if they can't choose evil they can't choose good, either. They remind me of that boy now, the one who tried to copy L. He could never live up to everything L was, he didn't care, didn't feel, didn't have any drive to save, only to correct and punish. Near. He died so quickly, just like the others, but there was no confusion in his eyes, no pleading or begging, and no fear of the inevitable, only a blank acceptance. I felt nothing killing him; he was but an ant to crush.

L was different. I was triumphant at first, elated. I had defeated my adversary and I would be God. Now those feeling have changed, I have seen the truth of myself, and I wish I could despise him again. I don't want this longing for him to come and fix everything, to solve all my problems for me and to tell me it's alright- wait, what am I thinking? That's not L, he would never comfort me, he would be smug and self-righteous and hate me with all his heart. And yet, I wish he had truly cared.

Now I'm alone. I'm not fit to be leader, not fit to be God, not even deserving of life. I can't help anyone any more; I can't even correct the terrible mistakes I've made. I won't make the world a better place. The only thing I can do is leave it up to the truly good people to do their best to struggle onwards. And maybe, in time, they will heal, and the name of Kira will be forgotten, just another lesson to tell young children in order to teach them to behave. I will erase myself, as I have erased so many others, and no longer know anything. Not this pain, not this terrible burden, and never be cared for or about again. It's entirely irresponsible of me- the first truly insensible thing I have ever done. But, perhaps, it's also the first step to forgiveness.

So I have set up one last trap, to destroy the Death Note for good. But it will only be destroyed in exactly 40. 5 seconds, by which time its last function will be complete. The last name ever to be written in, the name that I carefully made sure no one knew or could discover. Light Yagami. My name.

And God said: Let there be Light no longer.


End file.
